I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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