Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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