thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
