I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
