I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
