Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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