Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
