Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
