dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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