the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
