$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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