i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
