you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
