an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
