and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
