the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
