i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm always down for nudity.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
