so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
