just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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