At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
