I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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