Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
