grandma shit on top of the toilet
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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