I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
