i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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