i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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