Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
