Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
