Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
