My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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