My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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