The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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