We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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