I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just googled if crying burns calories
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
