I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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