My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How external is "for external use only"?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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