By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
