Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
