I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
