i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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