Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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