Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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