It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
