Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
