just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
