I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
