dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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