So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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