Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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