I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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