I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
