You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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